Hello!

A little over a month until Christmas! We had a snow day this week and I decided to dig out Christmas.  Our youngest was elated and enjoyed lugging the items up from the basement. The excitement of an 8-year-old at Christmas is the best. She set up the Christmas village and placed items throughout the living room with a sparkle in her eye. The other 2 teens helped out as well, not as elated but still helpful. The oldest did comment "Mom, it's only November 12th!!" 

I love Christmas! Last year, we worked a lot, decorated late, and had far too much last-minute shopping to do. This year will be different in so many ways.

We all don't know what the future holds for us, but I'm carrying a bit more worry about my future and what it holds for my family. It's been rough, the mind game is real and difficult to manage. I hope I get better at dealing with it as the days go forward.

Infections and muscle strains have thrown my 'back to running' plan all to bits! So I'm not as far along as I'd hoped to be at this point.  Things will start to improve soon.

I've been very lucky to get away on some little excursions! We travelled the Cabot Trail and also took our 16-year-old to Toronto for a celebration. Making memories and having time with family and friends is the most important thing for me. It's not really about where we go but who we go with.


Thanks for reading my ramblings :-)

Thankful and Overwhelmed

The other day,  we received a beautiful Thanksgiving flower arrangement that brightened my day, from a precious couple. We also received an email from this amazingly thoughtful, gracious, and brilliant pathologist who is helping keep us up to date on the ongoing research in the ovarian cancer world. He took the time out of his extremely busy life to send my husband crucial information. He's also taken the time to meet with him to discuss my situation. Unbelievable how awesome humans are.

The amount of love and support I have received and continue to receive has me completely overwhelmed. When I take the time to think about how so many people care so much about little old me it causes a mountain of emotions and waterworks. I am absolutely grateful for the outpouring love.  Many of whom are acquaintances, friends of friends, or people I have met along the way who also share this cancer journey.

I have no idea how I'll ever return the favours back.  I've written some thank you notes, but was unable to keep up during my chemo months, as I was ravaged with nausea and exhaustion.  I hope you all know how genuinely grateful our family is for all of the kindness.

Thank you for all of the prayers and thoughts sent my way, I truly believe in the power of prayer.

Thank you for all of the thoughtful gifts the candies, journals, books, flowers, comfy clothes, gift cards, homemade goodies, the list is endless. They brought me and my family comfort and love on days that we needed it the most.

Thank you for the food!  We received over 90 meals for our family of 5, delivered to our door during my chemo months. Thank you to Will for coming up with the online meal planning idea and to Richelle for helping implement it! This was unbelievably helpful, the food was delicious and cooked with love. I'm not sure what we would have done without this help, possibly starve. :-)

Thank you to my dear friend Sheila, who got me out for walks and talks, and also organized the neighbourhood meals! I'm lucky to have you in my life!

Thank you to our precious work family that stepped up to help with work coverage and managing our office during my diagnosis.

Thank you to the talented photographer, Denise Rowe for taking our family photos before I lost my locks. This was so very important to me and we are so blessed to have this beautiful soul make time for our family with very short notice.

Thank you to my incredible parents and parents in-law who have always been there for us, but they went above and beyond supporting me after surgery and forward. Cleaning, cooking, driving, loving! I feel I should be caring for you at this stage in life, not the reverse.

Thank you to my Mom for being a best friend, always listening to me daily. My thoughts, my worries, my complaints. Love you Mama!

Thank you to all of my chemo day buddies that endured my 17 treatments with me.  

Thank you to friends and family who took the time to check in on me. It was an isolated 5 months so getting caring messages was always nice and greatly appreciated.

While I'm not so lucky to get this disease. I am certainly blessed to have an amazing circle of family and friends who truly love me.  

Thank you for your awesomeness it's appreciated more than you'll ever know.

I won the jackpot...

When it comes to husbands, I won the jackpot. I know we shouldn't brag or be boastful but my husband deserves some praise. I'm not the easiest to deal with on the best of days but the last 6 months I've been a bit gloomy and cranky.  We have been through some trying times over our 20 plus years together.  Thankfully our relationship strengthens through difficult times.

My husband is so special to me and I would not want to be living this crazy life with anyone but him by my side.  It takes a special man to survive a household of 4 females!  We've had so many wonderful times together and we know we are so fortunate. 

He was  the first person told about my cancer diagnosis. My surgeon asked him how I should be informed, and he said she should be the one to tell me but he wanted to be with me.  Having him by my side during those moments made me feel like I wasn't alone, and it hasn't changed since.  He attends every appointment and chemo treatment he can. He brings his little binder filled with my graphed lab results, and all the research papers he's studied on ovarian cancer. He's got my back and he's not giving up on me.


He's juggling a lot and he's pretty darn good at it.   I hope I can soon lighten the load and be the partner I prefer to be.  I pray for that day to come soon. He just keeps being the awesome husband, dad, doctor, friend, caregiver he is and I know I am so very blessed to have him. So if you see him in your travels, give him a pat on the back, not that he needs it, but he deserves it. 

My Best Friend 

Good results!!

My chemo treatment was completed last week. This week I had my ct scan and met with my oncologist in Saint John. My husband and I had a few scenarios we were prepared for. So little control for such a big piece of your life.

The ct showed appropriate response to chemo with one small spot that they will watch.  No more chemo!  I will continue to have a maintenance therapy drug called Avastin, every 3 weeks via IV. 

Best news I've had in a very long time. I cried tears of joy tonight on my drive home as this sunk in. Oh how good it feels to cry tears of joy instead of the sad tears I've had for months.

Thank you for all of the prayers, positive thoughts ,and messages. They truly help and we appreciate your support.

I am exhausted and must get some much needed rest, it's been a long day!

Children and dealing with their Mom's diagnosis

 One of the toughest parts for me is knowing the difficulty and sadness my diagnosis has brought to my precious family.  Our 3 daughters have to live with this daily as well and that's a tough pill to swallow.

Being a teen is difficult enough these days, but add your Mom's cancer diagnosis to the twist and that makes dealing with life more complicated. I'm can't lie, we have some cranky teens on the best of days. They are amazing humans and I love them more than life itself. But a 15 and 18 year old have a lot going on.  

When they found out about my diagnosis, I remember anticipating lots of questions and discussion but there really wasn't much. We sat down and talked about the reality of this disease and we were pretty straight forward about outcomes.  It was a difficult discussion and I expected more shock from them, but I soon realized  that they had already googled it and probably knew more info than I cared to know.  

As the weeks went on, they watched my hair fall out and even helped shave my head. But they continued to be themselves, they went out with friends, we fought over clean bedrooms and laundry, and they spent a lot of time in their rooms. Pretty much the same old lifestyle. I felt frustrated with the fact that they spent a lot of time in their rooms. But soon realized, they too were dealing with my diagnosis in their own way.  Teens have different ways managing through stress and they can appear self absorbed, which in fact they can be at times. I want them to live their normal teen life as much as possible. Thankfully, they have but I've learned that it doesn't mean they don't care, they care so much. I know this hurts them and if they can hang on to any teenage drama through this, I have learned to be thankful for it.  It took me sometime to figure out.

Our youngest daughter will be 8 soon, so discussions about my cancer have been different. We haven't explained everything in as much detail, but she knows this isn't a good thing.  She is very aware of my health and has an inquisitive  personality.  She knows what days I get blood work and when I go to chemo.  She prays for me every night and wishes cancer didn't exist. She asked me one night as I was putting her to bed "What happens if you go to the hospital and they can't make you better Mommy?"  Oh, how I tried to avoid answering that question. But she wouldn't take a non answer.  You can almost see the cogs churning in her brilliant little brain. 

I am so thankful for my beautiful children and am very proud of their strength and courage. They are kind and caring girls and while we have our battles, I know my family is a strong unit and maybe even stronger because of this journey.

This past summer our oldest graduated from high school and got her first job, and she starts university this week! Our middle, heads to grade 11 and went away on a 3 week hiking and canoeing leadership course over the summer, she'd never tented (outside our yard) a night in her life before.  Our youngest keeps us on our toes and loves telling jokes to make us laugh, she's excited to be heading to grade 3 this week!

Thankful and blessed. Thanks for reading.

Chemo and Losing my Hair

The information overload you receive before you begin chemo is a little daunting. Kind of like those commercials that list all the possible side effects in the last 10 seconds of the commercial.  You may experience nausea, vomiting, fatigue blah blah blah or death.  Do most pay attention to that part of the commercial, if it's promising a certain level of improvement in lifestyle? I know with chemo and all the life threatening side effects listed, I had no option but to go for it.

Before I received chemo, my oncologist recommended that I attend chemo prep training.  It's basically a 3 hour session on what to expect. My husband I diligently attended, notebook in hand. Whatever info we could gather to help us succeed, we were willing to listen. The session was informative and somewhat daunting. The main tip, I took away was to avoid simple infections or I'd end up in the ICU. Seriously - she told us that a simple nail infection has landed chemo patients in the intensive care unit.

My first chemo treatment was very nerve wracking! Some people can react to the treatment quite negatively and not knowing how I was going to react was a tough one to manage for me. To this point I'd already had allergic reactions to a couple medications they'd given me, so I prayed this chemo would go easy on me. My adorable husband had contacted many of our friends and asked them to send a video wishing me well. He put this together with well over 50 videos. Oh my heart! I watched this on the drive to our session and it gave me the strength to face the challenge ahead. My treatment went well that day with a minor irritation.

Within 3 weeks of starting treatment, my hair became brittle and began falling out in handfuls. Losing my hair was never an ordeal in my mind, I don't care about hair just make me well. BUT when the hair finally did come out. I found it hard to look in the mirror,  I still avoid looking. I don't see myself. Shortly after, I lost most of my eyebrows and lashes.

I have yet to don my shiny head to many aside from my immediate family. It's just a comfort thing I guess. I wish I could proudly walk around without a hat, as I see others and they are beautiful. I just can't seem to get over that hurdle.  I do have a beautiful wig that I have wore on a few occasions.

To each their own I say. But being bothered about losing my hair surprised me in this journey. I'm far from vain, but I do look forward to getting my hair back!

Tips and Advice to Help Manage Chemo from a Newbie

I'm in the midst of my chemo battle, week #12 of many. This is just advice from my experience. We are all individual in our responses to chemo and there are so many chemo cocktails that affect people differently, this is just my take. If I can help even one person with improving their side effects that is success.

1. Take your pre chemo meds  - I take steroids 12 and 6 hours in advance of my chemo treatments. Make sure you eat crackers or something light before. Set your alarm for your middle of the night pills as well.  I usually have to wake at 4am. I suggest having your meds set out and ready,  I can be pretty drowsy in the middle of the night and have woke up the next morning unsure if I even took that meds at 4am.

2. Drink lots of WATER - It is recommended to have 2 litres of water each day during and after chemo. I suggest hydrating well the day before as too. This sounds like an easy task but when your mouth starts to feel fuzzy or everything starts to taste like cardboard or metal it gets a little more difficult.  I suggest adding a little juice and a lot of ice if you can. Keep drinking the water, it helps!

3. Take your anti-nausea meds on schedule - I am on 2 different meds for nausea and I can't imagine how terrible I would feel without these in my system. Set phone alarms or have an awesome family member or friend that reminds you (my husband keeps me on track thankfully!)  You are better to stay ahead of the race instead of get behind in meds because it is harder to catch up! Trust me.

4. Find a support system -You will need help through this process. I'm not good at accepting help from others, as I'd prefer to be the helper. This was and still is difficult for me. 

You will have people (amazing people) that step up and just tell you, this is what they can to do to help and they do it.  For our family, we had so many people wanting to help us, and we really didn't know what or how to manage this. Some dear friends decided to setup a meal delivery schedule to help us weekly. It's been unbelievably helpful for our busy little family!

There will will be others who just don't know what to do but they'll want to genuinely help. Give them some guidance if you can. A simple visit or walk is helpful when you need a little time outside.

Some people will fade out of your life for a bit, that's ok.  It's not something you should be expending your energy on.  It's not easy for some people to deal with and you shouldn't take it personally, just learn and move forward.

The people you need in your life will come forward and those friendships will forever be cherished.

5. Rest and listen to your body - This is a tricky time. One day I'll feel good and be able to do most normal activities and then next day be wiped just trying to walk up 4 steps.  Listen to your body when it tells you to rest. BUT also enjoy being able to do what you can when you feel like it. 

I've had lots of people telling me to take it easy and don't overdo it. I know it's because people care but it really bothers me. I am not feeble and incapable. In fact I'm pretty strong willed and determined on good days and on bad days I crash and do absolutely nothing. That's ok!

If and when I do get sick - it's not because I've done too much it's because I've picked up a bug that my chemo saturated body can't fight.  My system will become weakened no matter what I do or eat - it's the chemo that beats me up, not my wanting to live my life as full as I can.

6. It's ok to be sad or mad - With illness comes a lot of discussion of being strong and positive.  There is so much focus on being strong that it makes you sometimes feel pressured. It's normal and necessary to have all kinds of emotions about what is going on in your body and life. Being sad doesn't make you weak.  Everyone is different. 

For me, I have to run things through my head and sometimes writing helps; while other times talking helps.  My husband and I have had some very difficult discussions recently, but we have also had some great chats about planning our future and fun times. I'm hoping for a 25 year remission/cure but I also have to plan for the other side of the coin.

Getting professional help is also something to think about. You are dealing with a lot of curve balls that have never been thrown your way and professionals can help. Not only for yourself but if you have a family, they may need it as well. Communication is key in our life, not always easy but crucial.


Don't get ahead of yourself in this journey, day by day is the best I can do for now and I'm ok with that. 

I hope this has helped. Hugs to all that are on this journey and all the best.

Diagnosis

On March 12, 2019, one month after celebrating my 44th birthday my life changed forever. I woke up in a recovery room to the view of my surgeon informing me that the originally planned laparoscopy hysterectomy did not go as planned. I was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer - stage 2B or III High-grade serous carcinoma.

My husband stood by my side as my medicated mind absorbed this news. I don't remember crying but there were tears, many tears. It's all a blur and I prefer it that way.

The next 24 hours, I would endure were horrible, to be honest. I was rolled to my room and pumped with pain meds, 17 staples, and 3 new holes branded into my abdomen. Within hours I began vomiting (reaction to pain med). In the midst of my vomiting episodes, my husband and I would have brief discussions about what was just handed to us. My heart broke for him, I could see his pain.

That evening we had to call our precious family and inform them of our news. News they were not prepared to hear, I was assured that they didn't "feel" as though I had cancer, very unlikely. Words you cling to, but probably best left unsaid given my circumstance.

Skip to five months later and I am in the midst of a chemo battle, I have good days and bad ones. I have weekly chemo treatments  (dose dense chemo) that likes to knock out my immune system and suck my energy.

While on summer vacation I was hospitalized for Pancytopenia. It's a funny word for not such a fun condition.  It's when a person has low counts for all three types of blood cells: red blood cells, white blood cells, and platelets. I received IV antibiotics and blood transfusions, thankfully my body bounced back after a week or so. It was scary for me and my family, but so thankful that things improved.

I do have many good days and I am so thankful for them. I rest when I have to and squeeze in family fun when I can. Make the best of what you have.

My family is living this rough life by my side. I have an amazing husband who cares for me and our household along with a very demanding job that never stops. We have 3 beautiful daughters who have to manage this cancer beast in their life as well and I hate that they have to; they too are amazing humans. I have the most loving helpful parents that are here for all of us. I have awesome in-laws that also are here for our family at a moments notice. We are blessed to have a massive circle of close family and friends ready to help with what we need.

For the past 4 months we have been receiving meals weekly delivered to our door, an incredible help when life has you tied into this whirlwind of illness followed by appointments and family life. We have been overwhelmed from the love and support from so many friends and neighbours.

We know we are blessed and I'm so very thankful, we just don't know how to ever repay the love and care we have received!!

I promise not all posts will be so serious!! I know my grammar and punctuation isn't great but it really isn't about that :-)