I'm not the only one

I'm not the only one affected by my cancer and that might be the most upsetting part of this disease. While I endure the drain of treatment and side effects, my family is right there with me each step. 

My husband worked throughout the process and did attempt to cutback his schedule. As a family physician running your own practice, this is quite difficult to do. Being a self-employed family it's a necessity to continue to work, we don't get paid vacation or sick time. He balanced things well but I know it was rough. Going to a workplace where everyone's life carries on normally and patients come to complain about their sometimes mild ailments, while your wife is struggling to manage each day, is quite a juggle.  If he had his choice, he would have been at home helping me daily but I feel it was best that he was able to get away from the sick house life. He cared for me on his down days and evenings, I was not easy but he helped me every step of the way. It was a heavy burden to carry.

Our two oldest were both very supportive but both working and school kept them busy. They checked in daily and came to our rescue during times when we needed them for late night ER visits, helping with our youngest, or driving me to appointments. They avoided high risk places to ensure my safety. They had to make sacrifices for my safety and I'm sure it wasn't fun missing out. I know they worry about me and the future. I know they realize the seriousness of the illness. I wish they didn't have to.

Our youngest, has missed out on a lot. She had to change schools in the spring, due to no safety supports at her previous school. She continues to mask daily, while 99% of her school no longer does. She's had a small handful of play dates over the last 8 months through no fault of anyone. It's just the life we've lived with caution of COVID and any illness. I hate that she has had to miss out to protect her Mom, it brings a lot of emotion every time I think about it. I worry about how it has affected her. I know she has learned so much in the process but the losses break my heart.  

I am hopeful that we can all return to a somewhat new normal even while being cautious. I hope my girls can enjoy life without worrying about their Mom daily. I hope our youngest can get back to hanging out with her friends and enjoying sleepovers.  I hope my husband can enjoy going to work and not carrying any guilt of leaving his sick wife at home.

I will regain my strength and give back to this world the way I intend to. So many others need help and support. Life is heavy for many. Our time is precious and we can all help by giving of our time and support when and where we can. 

 

Our Family 2019

Finding my way

Once you’ve been through hell, it takes time to get yourself back on track. I’ve been in another zone since my ovarian cancer returned in winter of 2022, I call it my battle zone. Everything seems a bit blurry at first, and you continue through life stumbling from medical appointment to medical appointment. When you come out through the process you may feel like you’ve been through a boxing fight, you’ve been up and down a few times and left with scars, aches, and pains all over. It’s a road that unless you’ve been on it or cared for someone through it, there’s no way to comprehend.

I paint a fairly sad picture of this journey, but it isn’t all bad. I learned to live life with less concern about what others think, I'm more focussed on my family and close friends; what is most important. I’m more grateful for each day.  The love in our family and strength has prospered.  We had good times throughout the process, often laughing and making the best of little moments.  

 

As I look toward the future I have hope, hope for time and memories.  Living each day with integrity and passion is my goal.  Creating lasting good memories to cherish is good enough for me.

For the next little while, I will continue to stumble here and there, until I get myself stronger. When you are at the end of cancer treatment, there is much healing to do and managing of emotions of the next part of this journey.

The focus will be on healing, something I didn’t take time 3 years ago when I was first diagnosed.  I tried jumping back into my old life and my body quickly informed me that wasn’t a good idea. Within 2 months of finishing treatment, I was hit with a nasty case of shingles, frozen shoulder, joint issues. This process will be slower. I highly recommend if you are nearing the end of your treatment to take some time for you and allow your body to heal before jumping on the next train or plane.

 

I wish you happy healing and strength.